Yes, Wladimir Klitschko’s Wang Fits… Thanks.

I’m going to preface what reads as a sardonic title, constructed for the purposes of being snide, with the clarification that the above is barely paraphrasing quotes from Hayden Panettiere herself. I’m barely putting words in her mouth. Nor p3nises. Though, judging from her quotes, below, those would fit fine too. I don’t even know where to start: that ‘prudish’ strangers in the street ask about her sex life or that she answers them… the first thing, I guess. Speaking on Tuesday’s The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Panettiere, age 21, who’s 4’11″ or 5’1″, depending on whom you believe, said she and Wladimir Klitschko, 6’6″, are physically able to have sex. In imagery that’s not scarred me so much since comparable scenes of impaling in Cannibal Holocaust, Panettiere reassured worried harridans that the p3nis of her boyfriend hadn’t destroyed her hips, nor ground them into a fine powder. ‘I get the prudest people coming up to me and they’re like: ‘Does it work?’ Yeah, it works. We find a way,’ the actress said. ‘[The people who ask about my sex life] are very conservative people most of the time but that just have to know,’ she explained to the stunned host. ‘Like: ‘I have to know, I just have to ask you this question… I’m really sorry but…”