Because Photoshop is all you need to become bikini-ready after 31-years of eating nothing but Fruity Pebbles and expired prescription pills, here’s Britney Spears on the cover of SHAPE Magazine whose digital artists need a damn medal for using whatever tool it is that creates light in someone’s dead eyes.
Since the grocery store self-checkout is like the water cooler for people without a real job, Britney Spears has decided to become grocery store official with the random whose credit history and background check indicate he’s stable enough to be her new ‘boyfriend.’
Britney Spears doesn’t know the difference between a government name and government cheese, but you better believe Team Britney Spears has got your government name on file if you’re dating the singer. The sources who see you when you’re sleeping and judge you for touching yourself at night know everything about the random Spears is dating weeks after ending an engagement. David Lucado reportedly agreed to sign a non-disclosure agreement and undergo a background check… despite being set up by his girlfriend’s father, Jamie Spears. ‘Jamie has known David for a while, and always thought he was a thoughtful… all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason [Trawick] broke up,’ says a source. ’It had to be a [man], because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to [women]. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done.’
I guess I was right when I joked that Amanda Bynes absorbed Britney Spears’s old crazy, thus becoming her. Because only weeks after Amanda Bynes was seen in New York City looking like this, Britney Spears was seen in Malibu looking like this. Coincidence?! More photos of Spears in a bikini at a friend’s house, below.
Apparently not realising the cameras were switched on when she said true words so you don’t have to about Britney Spears literally phoning in her vocals on Will.I.Am’s remix to Scream & Shout, Eve is still claiming that she didn’t say that thing she said on Watch What Happens Live. She said: ‘I heard that might not be Britney… That’s what I heard, but you know, I don’t know… it could be Britney. But I heard it wasn’t.’ And apparently there’s another way to interpret that aside from ‘It’s not Britney, b**ch,’ because Eve is still making weird denials about the statement of record days later. Asked by TMZ.com to translate her own words into the truth so you don’t have to here’s what Eve said on Sunday: ‘I didn’t say anything about her singing. I said something about her British accent. We know it’s Britney Spears singing the song. I never said anything.’ Here’s video of the denial.
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