Posts Tagged ‘Jessica Simpson’

The baby for which Jessica Simpson’s ovaries had to pay extra postage, late fees, and insurance for valuable items, weighed 9 lbs 13 oz at birth. And the baby is even bigger only three days later, consuming Simpson’s deep fried breast milk (the farts made it fizzy). A source basically stalked the Simpsons at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, and overheard Tina Simpson call baby Maxi ‘precious and peaceful.’ Today, another source is stalking the family or it’s totally gross Papa Joe Simpson watching his daughter breastfeed: ‘[Maxi is] eating like a champ and has a big appetite.’ They continue: ‘Everyone is marveling at what a natural Jessica is. She was born to be a mom!’ The new mother ‘is already up and walking around,’ but will remain at Cedars to recover.

Jessica Simpson has given birth to something one gathers is a newborn and not a millennial. Moreover, Simpson’s baby thing is called the baby thing name the tabloids reported months ago: Maxwell, Maxi for short as claimed by In Touch Weekly. Which I was hoping was not true because Maxi Johnson is kind of an unfortunate name. Simpson checked into hospital just over one hour ago, and she’s already delivered. Which means she was correct, and her daughter exploded from her uterus from a waterslide attached to Simpson’s vagina. The family issued a statement on her website: ‘Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!!’ The baby weighed 9 lbs. 13 oz. at 21¾ inches long. Maxwell is Eric Johnson’s middle name, while Drew is Simpson’s mother Tina’s maiden name.

In a statement that requires a suspension of disbelief because I have it on good authority Jessica Simpson is pregnant with a toddler, her stylist friend Ken Paves tells Us Weekly the singer is loving the final month of her pregnancy. By which I assume Paves means she’s loving backache and preggo ‘Swamp-a$$.’ Asked whether the kid would be taller than him at birth, Paves was all like ‘Nah, definitely probably not.’ Asked how Simpson was dealing with possibly never giving birth or delivering at Christmas, Paves embellished: ‘She’s [doing] amazing. This is so perfect for her. She’s just loving this moment now. Jessica glows all the time. [She's] as happy as can be!’ Earlier, Simpson explained why she only recently acquiesced to wearing flats despite the risks those eight-inch heels posed to her health in the final trimester: ‘This little lady in my belly throws off my balance,’ Simpson said. ‘I’m flat-footed, so cute flats and ballet slippers are comical on my feet. I actually had to train myself to walk in [flip-flops]!’

Tori Spelling understands pregnancy, since she’s been pregnant non-stop for years. As such, she understands that you’re not getting any thinner while carrying around another human being. This fact seems to have escaped some people, however, like The Today Show guests who called Jessica Simpson ‘fat’ last week. And The View’s Joy Behar, who said: ‘Remember the time that Jessica Simpson was criticized because she didn’t know the difference between chicken and tuna? That kind of thing is more fun to criticize than the fact that the girl is fat. Most women who are pregnant are not supposed to gain more than 25 pounds. She looks like she gained a lot more than that.’ Simpson joked about her weight this weekend, saying of her CGI bump: ‘Last chance to see me ‘fat’ aka PREGNANT on the cover of Elle. I loved this shoot, only on stands for a few more days!!!’ Except preggo again Spelling is not laughing: ‘When women are pregnant, people need to lay off. It’s a really special time and you should be able to deal with it in your own terms. You just have to wear it proud and go with it. Every body is different. As far is weight, you never know what is going to happen. You can’t control what angle people are snapping your photo from. Craving is an overrated word! Basically when you’re pregnant, you’re very hungry. You’re eating for two. That’s the bottom line and any food sounds good.’