Gwyneth Paltrow started off this year with no friends and with no one really paying attention. Then she drunkenly started rambling about her ’70s bush’ and now she’s PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful Woman and people are re-mortgaging their homes to purchase items found on GOOP.com (remember, she thinks people buy $458,003 worth of clothing per season). Realising that saying words definitely had something to do with her success, and not even remembering what she’s promoting at this point, Paltrow is saying any old words she thinks will make her relatable. Except Paltrow’s default is that everyone is beneath her so here she is explaining how she’s basically the center of everyone’s universe. ‘I’m a real lightning rod,’ she says. ‘People project a lot of stuff onto me. It’s nothing to do with me. I don’t read stuff about myself. I feel like it’s none of my business. People perceive that I have too much. I understand that, but I also feel like I’ve suffered so much. It’s not something I talk about. I don’t have a perfect life. I don’t have a perfect anything.’ She continues, because her struggles are harder than your struggles, ‘I have incredible struggles, and I’m far from perfect. I struggle like every other woman, every other mother. I understand that things look a certain way.’ An example of her struggles? Getting ready for the MET Gala she later decided was beneath her too, ‘I [look] like RuPaul! I have so much makeup on. Foundation! Last night, I was literally a transvestite.’
PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful Woman, Gwyneth Paltrow, published a blank cook book about how you should pack silk socks and pocket squares in your children’s lunch boxes instead of packing food because digesting is for poor people. And in case you think I’m kidding, this is the same woman who appointed herself as a lifestyle guru on a website that sells $950 shot glasses. She’s so perfect and flawless even the MET Gala is beneath her. Except, she finally realised that attitude’s not a great way to make friends so she’s getting drunk and talking about her 70s bush and her uneven ‘sagging’ boobs so you’ll like her more.
‘It’s a huge title, even though it’s not true,’ she said of the PEOPLE cover. ‘I always see what’s wrong with me. I’ve got crow’s feet, and one boob is sagging more than the other.’ She continues, ‘People perceive that I have too much. I understand that, but I also feel like I’ve suffered so much. It’s not something I talk about. I don’t have a perfect life. I don’t have a perfect anything. I have incredible struggles, and I’m far from perfect. I struggle like every other woman, every other mother. I understand that things look a certain way.’
Gwyneth Paltrow pulled focus on the Iron Man 3 red carpet because she’s hoping for a spin-off one assumes will be shot entirely from the waist down. Paltrow previously told Ellen that she was unkempt and bought a weed whacker especially for the occasion. Although, the way Cameron Diaz tells it, their friends had already staged an intervention and shaved Paltrow against her will. It’s weeks later and in a subsequent interview with The Kyle and Jackie O Show, Paltrow is clearly still mourning her pubic hair telling the hosts (from about 10 mins 20 secs in) she’s ‘like an eight year old girl’ down there now adding that she HAD to shave because her pubes were sticking through the sheer material in the dress.
‘How dirty can I be here? … So, basically, I couldn’t wear underwear with this dress. This is when I shaved my bush… Basically, since I wasn’t wearing underwear with the dress, I had a situation where… I had no underwear… so everything wasn’t ‘tucked in’ properly. They were like ‘You need to shave it.’ I said that to Ellen and she was like ‘It’s only on the sides’ and I was like ‘I’ve got a big 70s bush.’ Which… I was kidding. It was a disaster, now I look like an eight-year-old girl.’
At one point, Gwyneth Paltrow buried the lead about her empty cook book by defending Kimmode’s right to sleep her way to the middle. But they’re not actually friends because that would mean Kimmode successfully slept her way into GOOP’s life and that cannot be allowed to happen. In a new interview, GOOP suggests the MET Gala might want to stop letting people buy or sleep their way in and it won’t be so ‘crowded’ with peasants anymore, that’s how I’m choosing to interpret this. ‘I’m never going [to the MET Gala] again. It was so un-fun,’ Paltrow told USA Today. ‘It was boiling. It was too crowded. I did not enjoy it at all.’
This time last month, Gwyneth Paltrow was promoting a blank cookbook by bragging about nearly starving herself to death along with her husband and kids because the sensation of being full is for poor people. Except I guess ice chips count as food because the family totally ate this one time, it was a Tuesday! Paltrow explains that she was misunderstood. Responding to claims she’s a bad mother for restricting her kids’ diets, she tells Dr. Oz: ’Well, it’s actually not true. They’re not on an elimination diet at all. What it is, is that my son has very bad eczema and he’s allergic to gluten and he’s allergic to cow dairy. I try at home to make everything gluten-free for him because the difference in his comfort is unbelievable when he’s sticking to what he’s meant to be eating. I don’t know where they get some of this stuff! They say I don’t give my kids carbs, and I’m feeding them seaweed…I have no idea. But they eat Oreos, too, and they’re normal kids.’
Gwyneth Paltrow pays The Poors who work in her house four potatoes an hour because if there’s one thing Poors need it’s more starch in their diets. She does not pay them in actual monies, so they cannot afford $450,000 for the eight outfits recommended by Paltrow in her Spring Essentials. That is, in the latest GOOP.com post, Paltrow reveals how to update your spring wardrobe on Net-a-Porter for all occasions. The clothing is meant to be ‘inspiration for outfits for all aspects of your busy life.’ Which probably includes special occasions like bankruptcy because if you bought all the items on the list it would cost $458,003.