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Posts Tagged ‘Fail’

Beyonce Monster Storms the Beach… RAWR!!!

The Beyonce monster was photographed, as it stormed the beach in Hawaii, this weekend… RAWR! The 28-year-old rose from the water, like a creature from a Japanese monster movie born of a nuclear spill. She’d had a great time on the beach and gotten a few buckets of sand in her unmentionable places. Once she’d gotten the sand out of her vajay, she unfortunately had a nip slip. Yeah, monsters have nipples too and it’s some hard-and-fast rule that they must get them out at the beach. I keed. Her nips fell out of their own accord. It’s hard to keep those things under control and NOM NOM small children at the same time.

Kerry Katona Looks Better Sans the Coke Bloat

These are the first pictures of Kerry Katona, the recently-single former singer/ reality star caught in a cocaine scandal last year, where her years of coke bloat weren’t visible. In general, since she split with her husband Mark Croft, she has been bathing and shaving her legs on a regular basis. Both are good signs, and both are things I don’t bother with all that often (but I’m not coke bloated, so it doesn’t count). Katona has been getting assorted surgeries to improve her figure for some years now. She has finally gotten control of her gut, with either some more surgery or industrial Spanx. She does look oddly waxy from the neck up. That’s either a horrid make-up artist, or an over-enthusiastic botoxer who missed and just did a bunch of botox around her eyebrows and nowhere else.

Pics show Kerry Katona, after getting her life together, with her new waistline, arriving at the Flemings Mayfair Hotel for Lisa Byrne’s 40th birthday party.

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Zoe Saldana Wants to Pee While Standing Up

Zoe Saldana over-shares, in hopes she’ll finally be seen as interesting. A little while back she was spreading rumours about her family thinking she was a lesbian. Because apparently it’s 1995, and anyone other than her momma cares who she’s sleeping with. She persists with the fail rumours, and has started another in which she has a penis. Excuse me, that’s not entirely accurate… she said that she wants to have a penis. I know y’all are thinking I lost my mind with my posts today… well, I have… but the above is pretty much what she said.

Zoe Saldana [...] wants to be reincarnated sans her female assets. “I would come back as a man,” she told Pop Tarts at the premiere of her latest comedy Death at a Funeral in Los Angeles. “I want to know what it is like to take a leak standing up. It blows my mind.” Saldana wouldn’t mind being Michael Jackson (during his Beat It period) and if she had to be a lady, it would be Cher post-marriage to Sonny Bono.  [Fox News]

She wants one of those things that looks like a vibrator/ to pee standing up *shrugs*. She should just buy a vibrator and use one of those SheWee things.

Pictures show everything except Saldana’s strap-on, as she attends the world premiere of Death at The Funeral in Hollywood, California on April 12th, 2010.

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Jersey Shore Cast Looking Like Greasy Chavs

I would be more loathe to write about this bunch of degenerate reprobates, but it gives me a chance to chide them. I can’t stand having to Windex my screen every time I look at pictures of the cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. However, their greasiness is less annoying than their clothing. Yeah, WAY less. They’ve clearly been rummaging around in the Goodwill bins again, someone call the popo!

How many items of mis-matched clothing does one need to wear? I’m half-blind from editing the fug in these images, so it’s up to you to do the actual counting.

Pics show JWoww, Michael Sorrentino, and Snooki in Miami, Fl on April 19, 2010.

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Kardashian Sisters Writing a Relationship Book

The Kardashian sisters are writing a book. Rather than writing about what they know, like boys or slathering mayonnaise on their vajays, they’re going to be advising on relationships. No idea why they’re focusing on that, and not doing a book with a bunch of nude pictures. The latter would sell better, and no one would have to pretend they bought a Kardashian book for the articles.

The Kardashians are writing the book on relationships. Sisters Kourtney, Kim, and Khloe Kardashian are teaming up to write a “super-candid” book about their lives and loves, including “tips and stories,” as well as dating advice. Kim says, “My sisters and I are writing a book. It’s going to (have) lots of fun tips and stories and everything about relationships; it’s a little bit more of an in-depth look into our lives, even though people think that they’ve probably seen everything. We’re just being super-candid and sharing lots of pictures and fun stuff.” [Pop Crunch]

The divorcee, the girl who rushed down the aisle, and the girl who got knocked up by accident would like to teach you about your relationship. You’ll also learn, in depth, what the heck they were thinking when they made those decisions.

Pics show Kim Kardashian in different outfits in Sydney, Australia April 18, 2010.

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Kristin Cavallari Doesn’t Look Happy About This

Kristin Cavallari and Hills co-star Audrina Patridge were photographed yesterday afternoon, shopping and shooting scenes for their soon-to-be-over reality show. So far as Patridge was concerned, there was little to report. I nearly called this post Audrina Patridge’s Boobs Went Shopping, ‘cos they did. I mean, really, that dress with no bra underneath. She walked around, got some sun, and stared at the ceiling. So far as Cavallari, she was playing second fiddle. Oh, and looking really unimpressed while being wired for sound for the taping. Yeah, wired for sound… not being felt up. Get your mind out of the gutter.

12 pictures show Kristin Cavallari and Audrina Patridge as they shoe shop and film scenes for non-reality show, The Hills in Beverly Hills, CA on April 15, 2010.

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