There’s been a memo in the whorehouse since 1984 that says something about there only being one Kris Jenner-approved favourite at a time. Which basically means the prettiest one who is thinnest and earns the most money can be their mother’s favourite that week. And because Kimmode is pregnant with a couch that’s really going to tie the room together, and Kourtney Kardashian is occupied being an actual loving mother to her own children and has no time for Jenner’s games, that means our Lil’ Wook Wook finally has her chance to shine!
Assuming she’s going to be bottom b**ch when she loses that last five pounds ITW says she’s been losing for a year now, here’s Khloe Kardashian after getting new braces at 28-years-old to correct minor issues with her teeth. Dr. Kevin Sands did the procedure, telling E! ‘[She] wanted a little tweaking… Invisalign is a great way to straighten and perfect teeth without being too noticeable.’
Amanda Bynes found a part-time job as The Internet Police to supplement her ‘Mary-Kate & Ashley type wealth.’ She’s basically acting as the Google Images filter because otherwise media outlets would be able to use whatever legally-obtained photos they wanted. Chastising a tabloid for using a professionally taken photo on its cover rather than one of her bathroom selfies, Bynes wrote: ‘Intouch used a photo from years ago on their cover and I hate it! The reason I’ve asked all magazines and blogs to stop using old photos of me is I don’t look like that anymore! I had a nose job to remove skin that was like a webbing in between my eyes. I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but I look so much prettier in my new photos that I don’t want old photos used anymore! I’m so sick of magazines and blogs using old photos! When will they stop? I will never look like that again! Having surgery was the most amazing thing for my confidence!’
In other news, we’re recording people at the gym now? Here’s video of Bynes trying to work an elliptical.
I assumed this died down when everyone got fired. However, it turns out that the fancy version of welfare that allows for pocket squares and silk socks doesn’t buy manners because this was Nicki Minaj on Twitter a few hours ago. Using her words… ALL of them… Minaj writes that Carey is old and bitter and jealous. The rapper wrote, ‘Bwaha! Burn? She’s sad i tied her record for Hot 100 entries in only 3 years of being in the game. Yep, a black female rapper… What u SHOULD be doing (wit your messy ass) is asking why a woman SO successful at her age, is still so INSECURE, and bitter.’ Later addressing the rumours of Carey’s replacement, she added, ‘All dem #1s but JLo phone ringin? Lol. I guess having a personality, being a secure woman, and giving genuine critique still trumps that.’
This was going to be a post about Amanda Bynes’ complete lack of self-awareness because she’s claiming that only ugly people are questioning her mental health. On Thursday, she wrote: ‘I have no clue [why people say I’m insane]. Every time I’ve heard it, it came from an ugly person’s mouth, so I don’t care. The only ones lying about me having a mental illness are people I don’t talk to. I only have hot friends. They have my back until I die.’ Later, she added, ‘I’m getting in shape for all the photo shoots. I like being 100 pounds… 21 to go! I’ll design clothes and sing because I want to, not because I need the money. I love singing and I can’t wait to start working on an album.’ And then I got distracted and forgot what point I was making when I went to her feed to look for a photo and found she’s actually posing topless for her fans now. She shared these photos with the captions ‘Rawr!’ and ‘Long hair don’t care.’
Previously, Amanda Bynes revealed on Twitter that she had been suffering from an eating disorder and she wished she weighed 100 lbs. Which sort of explains her neurosis about being photographed and why she’s been calling herself fat whenever anyone uses a paparazzi photo rather than one of her selfies. And it explains why she’s actually taking her clothes off for 750,000 people and calling herself fat once more with feeling. She shared these photos with the caption ‘About to put on makeup! I weigh 135, I’ve gained weight! I need to be 100 lbs!’
Wearing a white hoodie stained with the tears of her oppressor, a disembodied voice known only as ‘Siri,’ Amanda Bynes is taking selfies at the gym now because they have big mirrors everywhere for exactly that reason. More below.