Last week, the kinds of sources who dare go through Blue Ivy’s trash told E! News Beyonce’s new pillow is in the mail so she’s going to start ‘showing’ in 6-8 weeks time. Beyonce’s reps leaked rebuttals to Us Weekly and PEOPLE although clearly Russell Simmons has subscriptions to neither because he went on Twitter to congratulate the family. Getting himself kicked out of the Illuminati family Christmas forever, he wrote: ‘Congratulations Jay-Z & Beyonce.’ Beyonce’s response was to suck in her stomach for an hour during her Milan show. She also tweeted and deleted this on Instagram: ‘I can’t stop the rumors from starting, and I can’t really change peoples minds who believe them, all I can do is sit back and laugh at these low life people who have nothing better to do than talk about me.’
Yesterday, I mentioned that it’s not actually news if a husband leaves a baby inside his own wife… except for when that wife starts obfuscating about her health and phoning in sick. I assumed that Beyonce was stalling for time until her new pillow arrived in the mail, except TMZ.com has photos of Beyonce at her rescheduled concert on Wednesday and there’s no obvious bump. In any case, Beyonce had a glass of water, took a nap, and went back to work yesterday after basically writing herself the sick note that she put on Facebook.
A few days ago, I ignored a story that had no legs about a husband, Jay-Z, leaving a baby in his own wife, Beyonce. I was content to ignore it because I don’t really care and because she denied it a few hours later. However, shenanigans are the elixir that give me LIFE. So of course I’m all over it when she’s denying that she’s pregnant because her new pillow hasn’t arrived in the mail yet. You’re going to want to retrieve your tin foil hat, grease and all, from the oven, because we’re really doing this again. Page Six says there’s a baby in there. Beyonce says try again in 6-8 weeks. And now she’s rescheduled a concert in Belgium ‘because of dehydration and exhaustion’ which is spiking a lot of people’s BS-Meters because it’s a lot of celebrities’ go-to BS excuse for getting out of stuff. The singer’s rep says Beyoncé has been advised to rest. Adding, ‘she is awaiting word from her doctors before making a decision.’
The Notorious B.I.C. graced France with her presence while also gracing her own parents with her presence because they were allowed to come along so long as they paid for everything. More photos of The B.I.C. running a whole country from inside a restaurant all with a look on her face that says she does not have time for this.
Surprising no one who’s seen a bikini picture on the Internet in the past 10 years, you’re going to need some Photoshop before you can fit into Beyonce’s new bikinis for H&M. At least I think that’s Beyonce. It could be 3D printed Beyonce in spray on bikinis because what the heck else is going on with her bikini bottoms?
The magazine seems to have Photoshopped at least one Boom out of Uncle Terry’s Boom Boom Room, but Beyonce is still posing like this on the cover of British Vogue on which someone also seems to have Photoshopped away her boobs. Asked whether she considers herself a feminist, she says this: ‘ That word can be very extreme… But I guess I am a modern-day feminist. I do believe in equality. Why do you have to choose what type of woman you are? Why do you have to label yourself anything? I’m just a woman and I love being a woman.’