Sofia Vergara: Latinas Are 'More Fun' In Bed

With that being a very close paraphrase from Sofia Vergara’s interview with Esquire April 2012, I’m going to make this an overtly perfunctory effort, because I’m years into the realisation that were I to declare underneath a picture of giant breasts (a giant picture of breasts?) that I’ve really had a penis all this time no one’s going to stop mentally motor-boating long enough to pay attention.

The context of the intro and ensuing conversation is Latina vs American women.

On… well, you know: ‘I guess at the end of the day, all women like to be appreciated and treated with respect and kindness. We all want to have sex in a romantic way. But with a Latina, you’re going to have more fun. [Vergara winks. She winks in a way that no woman from Stockholm or Tokyo or Minneapolis can wink. She winks in a way that only a Latina can wink.]‘
The Esquire interviewer notes the difference in bathing suits, saying the first time his Latina wife saw an American bikini she laughed: ‘Oh, me too! I was like, What is that? It’s like a diaper. It’s terrible. Who can look good in that? When I moved to the United States, I used to have bathing suits brought up from Colombia.’
On whether it’s ‘slutty’ to be that immodest: ‘There’s nothing slutty about a dental-floss bikini. You don’t even think about it. The first bathing suit your mother buys you is in the shape of a triangle.’
On body types: ‘Well, in Colombia everybody’s very voluptuous and you’re supposed to be. You don’t want to be skinny when all of your cousins are mermaids. You grow up thinking that’s how beauty is.’
On her confidence coming from make-up: ‘Yeah. I love putting makeup on. I grew up watching my mother. Before my mother took us to school in the morning, she was taking her rollers out and putting on lipstick. Now I think, Where was she going? But in the moment it was normal.’
On the sexiness and the insecurity it can inspire in a boyfriend: ‘That’s where it’s up to the Latina to be intelligent and choose a guy who can handle that. If a Latina falls in love with someone who is insecure, it can be a nightmare. I’ve had girlfriends who’ve been with really jealous guys, and it’s like they’re never enjoying you. You’re at a party and they’re just watching your every move. Then they’ll come over and say, ‘Why were you talking so closely to that guy? Put your skirt down!’ Look, if you’re sexy, if you like dressing sexy, you’re not doing anything more than feeling beautiful. A Latina just wants to walk into a place and feel great. Somebody is going to turn around and look. So a Latina better find a guy who understands that, even appreciates it, because it’s a compliment.’
…um, what about her man looking at a hot girl: ‘That is a completely different thing… He can look, and then turn around. But not like this… Ohhhh! Sometimes the guy is looking in a way that makes you want to say, ‘Why don’t you just follow her?’ I don’t have a problem with guys looking. It depends on how you look. If a woman in front of you is gorgeous, even the girls will look. But we’re not going to stare. And we’re not going to wink.’
On the stereotype on-off temper: ‘There’s always a lot going on. [My boyfriend] Nick wonders how I can get really mad and scream, then turn around, do something, come back, and forget that I was mad… I didn’t even realize it was weird or insane until I came here. It’s not out of the ordinary where I come from. Everybody’s like that. It’s better that way. You forget about what’s bothering you. It’s not like you’re holding it inside, you know? You get it out and it’s over with.’
On the stereotypical huge family: ‘Sometimes it can be bad to have too much family. Everybody gets involved in your problems, giving their opinion, gossiping, and making drama. But when bad things happen, they will be there to support you. Nick had a big accident a year and a half ago. He was in the hospital for a month. More people came to take care of me taking care of him than came to see him. He said, ‘Wow, this is amazing!”
On the stereotype loudness: ‘Oh, yeah. We’re very loud. Ed O’Neill tells a funny story: When we were shooting one of the first episodes of Modern Family, our trailers were connected. So if I’m in my trailer screaming on the phone, he can hear me perfectly. I was having one of those ‘Oh, my God!’ conversations with one of my cousins for twenty minutes. As soon as it ended, there’s a knock on the door. It’s Ed. ‘Sofia, are you okay?,’ he says. I’m like, “What do you mean?’ He says, ‘I thought maybe you were crying or having a heart attack or something.’ I say, ‘Oh, no. I was just on the phone with my cousin. We were talking about someone else.”
On whether American men cheat less than Latin men: ‘Latin men have something inside them, a genetic disposition to be a little sneaky. A Latin woman has to watch for that. An American guy might think twice before going there. He’s thinking ahead, This could turn into a problem that’s just not worth it. The Latin guy might love the drama and thrill of it in the moment.’
On whether she can cook: ‘Listen, I didn’t know how to make coffee when I came to the United States. Because in Colombia the maids do it. A mother tells the maids what to cook [everyone has a maid]. The mothers are like conductors of the household. But they’re not really doing it.’
Moreover, on how ‘how central maids are to a South American household’: ‘It’s so different over there. You have the maid that cooks. The maid that irons the clothes. It’s a hard adjustment. When I came to the United States and started working, my priority was not to buy a handbag but to spend my money on the maid and a nanny. Always.’