In news that will surprise no one who’s been paying attention, the first time Bristol Palin touched bumps she was drunk on wine coolers. Excerpts from Palin’s autobiography have been released. Let’s glaze over the fact she’s a 20-year-old with no story to tell except the time she decided to open her legs and drink underage and she derped both. From the shortest book ever written, we learn that Palin was drinking, during a camping trip, the first time she slept with anyone; in this case, ex-boyfriend, Levi Johnston. The following morning, she woke up to find he’d left the tent so he could talk ‘with his friends on the other side of the canvas.’ There was some vague intention not to bump again until married. But they kept sleeping together, using condoms, and Palin got knocked up in what would have been a precursor to joining Teen Mom were she not a Palin. It took eight tests to convince her she was pregnant; Johnston’s reaction… ‘Better be a f**king boy.’ His reaction to being asked to cut the baby’s cord, ‘Gross,’ was no better. In Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far, the second-worst title after Johnston’s, we also learn Johnston’s nickname is ‘The Gnat,’ he is self-involved, self-promoting, and he cheated multiple times.