Justin Bieber Got to Third Base With Himself

Justin Bieber has a Madame Tussauds wax figure in London (and the museums in New York and Amsterdam). I remember reading about this a few weeks ago, and doing the best I could to put it out of my mind like some kind of childhood trauma or bad haircut it’s just better to never talk about again. Well, yesterday afternoon the 17-year-old revealed his waxwork in the London Madame Tussauds and a crowd of teenage girls lacking in parental supervision and impulse-control were witness to the event. The out-of-date figure, with Bieber’s old haircut and face from at least a year ago (even though he was only measured weeks ago), totally got slathered in greasy, cheap, cherry chapstick. ‘I’ll be removing a lot of lipstick from him,’ said Madame Tussauds artist Morfy Gikas, who is in charge of maintaining the museum figures. ‘I also think he will need a lot of hair maintenance.’ Moreover, and more alarming, he’s either innocuously holding his wax figure’s hand, or he’s grabbing the waxwork’s nuts. I’m thinking the latter. It looks nothing like him and it’s slightly too short/ thin, so the nut-grabbing thing’s the only thing getting this monstrosity its own post. Oh, and in case you’re wondering about the woman in jeans… that’s his mother, Pattie; who, along with her son, looks like a badly airbrushed-in afterthought in one photo.