Photos That Don’t Make Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake Wedding Look Like An NSYNC Album

There have been so many wedding photos released in the past few days that they needed their own post rather than being crammed into the previous articles about the idiotic People Magazine cover that looked like a reject NSYNC album cover or the wedding video for which homeless people were paid $40 to be mocked by rich people. Here’s an alternative People Magazine cover, on which the bride is allowed to stand up and she’s allowed to be a somewhat active participant in the wedding that, it becomes more and more apparent with every anecdote, was about Justin Timberlake fellating Justin Timberlake while Jessica Biel watched. For example, he ‘helped’ design his Tom Ford suit. And he pulled focus from his bride walking down the aisle by making that moment about him too. He wrote and performed an original song during the ceremony that he’s bragging about because OF COURSE he is. Stroking his own ego, he says: ‘It was an original piece I wrote specifically for the evening and for her… I figured if there was something I was going to be able to offer, it would be to sing her down the aisle. Grown men were weeping. Hopefully it’s because I didn’t sound bad.’

In less-annoying news, Jessica Biel is changing her surname to Timberlake: ‘Yes, I’m changing my name. My professional name will still be the same, but for life, yes, I think it sounds great. I think I really won the jackpot of names.’