Using sign language because Uncle Terry only knows Morse code, Taylor Swift covers WONDERLAND Magazine looking like her captor turned off the heating and hot water in his boom boom room. Inside the magazine, Swift says this without a hint of irony: ‘I have no idea if I’m going to get married or be single forever.’
There aren’t enough Emoji in the world to express the bad fee fees Harry Styles feels in his heart about Taylor Swift. According to her, Styles is one of the only boys she let into her special place (her pillow fort). According to him, Swift never opened her special place (her legs). So it was never going to work. ‘Harry… wishes he never ever dated her,’ says a source. ‘I mean, the fact she’s aiming a jab at him in the 22 video has got Harry wondering what’s coming next! He just doesn’t know what to expect.’ The source, who’s clearly never ever put a hit on anyone continues, ‘It wasn’t the most amicable of splits, but Harry said all along that he wanted to take things slow and easy with Taylor. There was certainly no commitment made, despite Taylor’s protestations, and the fact that they were so busy with their careers and lived in different countries meant that it could never have really got that serious. What for Harry was ‘a bit of fun’ at the time has slowly turned into a personal nightmare. But he won’t stoop to Taylor’s level, he’s just going to continue to be the more grown-up person and get on with his life. Perhaps something Taylor should consider too.’
Detective Humphries and the whole of BRANDNEWINFORMATION P.D. are out at lunch, but I alone was able to solve the case of who wrote the fan letters to Taylor Swift that went right in the trash. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess Steven Tyler, who said this when asked about whom he would like to intern for. ‘She’s blonde with all the hits…. Taylor Swift! She’s hot.’ He added, ‘More than that, she’s beyond talented. I have to write a song with her.’
It seems unicorns are real things and they’ve evolved to be prehensile enough to hold glitter pens from Claire’s. Because no actual human old enough to hold a pen uses this much glitter and this many hearts on their stationary. In news that means the same unicorns will be crying into their Taylor Swift love pillows tonight, ABC News 2 in Nashville reports hundreds of unopened pieces of Swift’s fan mail were recently found in a dumpster. Which is totally the only reason she didn’t write you back. A local girl found the letters while throwing out her own trash and phoned local news, explaining: ‘It did bother me [because] I know how much her fans mean to her.’ Swift’s spokesperson responded to the news story: ‘Taylor gets thousands of fan letters every day and they are delivered to her management office. After the letters are opened and read, they are recycled. The only explanation for any letters being unopened would be that a small batch of mail that was supposed to be delivered to Taylor was accidentally put with letters headed for the recycling center. We sincerely appreciate Channel 2 bringing this to our attention, and we plan to immediately pick up the mail.’
Taylor Swift’s shtick during interviews involves deflecting personal questions by talking about glitter, and ponies, and her favourite colour and her hopes to one day own a glitter pony in her favourite colour. Except that doesn’t work in a grown ups magazine that regularly puts dead celebrities on its covers because those are the only celebrities its readers know. And so she got called out, hard, for her amateur PR games and little girl outside voice by a grown up journalist who did not have time for Swift’s s**t. For example, her interview opens with this lie and the rest of the interview goes downhill from there: ‘If you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people [Conor Kennedy and Harry Styles]… It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.’ Most of the rest comes from a ‘source’ Swift ‘authorised to talk about her.’ More below.
Taylor Swift is featured in the April 2013 issue of InStyle UK Magazine where she says her ex-boyfriends can stalk her and read her dream journals if they want. No one’s stopping them. She actually said these words out loud because logic that’s why: ‘If I’m gonna write songs about my exes they can write songs about me. That’s how it works. I’m not gonna complain about it. I’m not gonna sit there and say, ‘I’m the only one who can write songs about this relationship.”
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