There’s some random song and random dance about which I don’t care because BOOBIES. Moreover, the video is below along with the rest of Kate Upton’s shoot in Uncle Terry’s home studio (I’m guessing, and it’s too bright to be a basement). So let’s pretend these are real words I’m going to type down here rather than mashing the keyboard with my fist because it’s been about a year since I typed comprehensible prose underneath giant breasts. I know better.
I take it today’s fake nude of Kim Kardashian is circulating because Googling ‘Boobies’ on an iPhone with one hand is only so entertaining. Because it’s not like there are endless real photos of someone who has effectively made her name in porn, only to sterilise her own career history when it behooves her. And it’s not like she blew a guy and released it for profit because pimp momma needs a new pair of shoes. These are the lessons we take away, when another photo of Kardashian is released (NSFW, obviously). Which, according to The Daily Mail, first surfaced on TheDirty.com then on MediaTakeOut.com who claim it’s Kardashian ‘before her boob job.’ Which ignores its own readers calling the photos ‘retarded,’ the random girl’s flatter chest and butt and obviously-different face/ hair/ colouring/ body-type. Incidentally, the MTO photos of ‘Kim & Kanye f**king’ were obvious fakes too, people are just pressed to admit it. In any case, Kardashian is comically-indignant that we’re looking at imposter a$$ pillows rather than authentic, Vivid-approved a$$ pillows. Her rep told the British newspaper: ‘It’s not her. You can totally tell. It looks nothing like her.’
Eight photos of Kim Kardashian crammed into Houndstooth pattern pants.
Refusing to concede that it’s a bad idea to wear a mini dress and no panties, Miley Cyrus is reportedly feigning shock at this weekend’s upskirt photo in which she’s leaving class at Windsor Pilates without any underwear (The Superficial links the photos… I figure she left yoga in her car, April 7, and flashed her shaved… uhuh… beav, then went home to put on the shorts visible in the photos where she’s later riding her bike). She could have suffered the VPL, or worn a thong/ g-string/ seamless panties. Instead, she went to Pilates after which she changed into a mini and didn’t put on underwear. She chose to leave without wearing underwear. She got in her car, and of course, like she wanted, they got a crotch shot. Let’s not pretend this wasn’t planned. Just like her wearing sheer shirts and no bra with her dish plate nips showing. Except her boyfriend’s reportedly pissy that everyone’s seen his girlfriend’s crotch, so she’s pretending to be upset. A source tells HollywoodLife.com: ‘He is legitimately baffled at the [paparazzi] and is disgusted they will go to those lengths to get a shot like that. She is telling him that as long as they don’t really mention [the scandal] that it will go away. There is nothing they can do about it now. [Although] is very embarrassed that the paps got the shot, and even went that far for it.’ In response to the paps following her last week, Cyrus tweeted: ‘Highly considering moving back to Nashville. I can’t stand these D Bag paparazzi anymore. Couldn’t even take my dog on a walk today.’ I can’t post it, but the photo is linked here.
Conflating gratuitous flesh with body-confidence as do her peers, here’s former star of MTV’s The Hills Lauren Conrad for Glamour May 2012. Conrad tells the magazine she now has the confidence to go topless, when real confidence would still be apparent if she were to wear a bra. Whatever. She’s half-naked and discussing body issues because Glamour is on a trajectory to becoming Cosmo.
Because the tabloids were all out of ideas this week, Star Magazine (with a fake Jennifer Lopez wedding story on the cover) suggested in a nebulously-worded story that, in theory, tapes of Whitney Houston and Ray J could exist just because he made one with Kim Kardashian. And that it could leak because the aforementioned leaked. Moreover, it’s assumed, were this the case, the family would be mad about it. A source claims Ray J has ‘a ton of sexually explicit photos and videos,’ adding that ‘[Whitney's family have] been in contact with Ray and told him they do not want any photos or videos painting her in a bad light to come out. They explained to Ray that now is the time to honor Whitney, not drag her legacy down. They’ve basically told him, ‘Name your price.’ But Ray is stalling so far because he knows he sitting on a gold mine.’ Then it devolves into further supposition, continuing: ‘[Whitney] adored Ray. She loved doting on him, and she would have done anything he asked; including make a sex tape.’ However, Ray J ran to TMZ.com to deny basically extorting money from the estate with the threat of a release since he claims there are no tapes. His rep says: ‘The despicable tabloid report released today claiming the existence of a sex tape between Ray J and Whitney Houston is not true… There is no sex tape.’
With that being a very close paraphrase from Sofia Vergara’s interview with Esquire April 2012, I’m going to make this an overtly perfunctory effort, because I’m years into the realisation that were I to declare underneath a picture of giant breasts (a giant picture of breasts?) that I’ve really had a penis all this time no one’s going to stop mentally motor-boating long enough to pay attention.
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