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Posts under ‘Jessica Simpson’

Jessica Simpson Already Has A Maternity Line

May 14th, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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Jessica Simpson will be using her abandoned uterus as the workshop for the maternity line she announced this morning, Jessica Simpson Maternity. Which I take to mean she’s going to start stealing the designs for maternity clothing and paying peasants to sew her name inside, rather than stealing regular designs and doing the same thing. The clothing has a vintage feel, according to People.com, with a double-digit price point befitting such knockoffs. Simpson says, in a press release today, she’s excited to shill preggo clothes that make other women’s bumps look as big as hers did: ‘[It's] breezy, every day pieces aimed at the modern mom-to-be who wants to maintain her fashion edge. You want to wear clothes that are flattering to your bump. You want to show your bump off.’

Jessica Simpson’s Kid Is ‘Eating Like A Champ’

May 4th, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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The baby for which Jessica Simpson’s ovaries had to pay extra postage, late fees, and insurance for valuable items, weighed 9 lbs 13 oz at birth. And the baby is even bigger only three days later, consuming Simpson’s deep fried breast milk (the farts made it fizzy). A source basically stalked the Simpsons at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, and overheard Tina Simpson call baby Maxi ‘precious and peaceful.’ Today, another source is stalking the family or it’s totally gross Papa Joe Simpson watching his daughter breastfeed: ‘[Maxi is] eating like a champ and has a big appetite.’ They continue: ‘Everyone is marveling at what a natural Jessica is. She was born to be a mom!’ The new mother ‘is already up and walking around,’ but will remain at Cedars to recover.

Jessica Simpson Births Maxwell Drew Johnson

May 1st, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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Jessica Simpson has given birth to something one gathers is a newborn and not a millennial. Moreover, Simpson’s baby thing is called the baby thing name the tabloids reported months ago: Maxwell, Maxi for short as claimed by In Touch Weekly. Which I was hoping was not true because Maxi Johnson is kind of an unfortunate name. Simpson checked into hospital just over one hour ago, and she’s already delivered. Which means she was correct, and her daughter exploded from her uterus from a waterslide attached to Simpson’s vagina. The family issued a statement on her website: ‘Eric and I are elated to announce the birth of our baby girl, Maxwell Drew Johnson. We are grateful for all the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives!!’ The baby weighed 9 lbs. 13 oz. at 21¾ inches long. Maxwell is Eric Johnson’s middle name, while Drew is Simpson’s mother Tina’s maiden name.

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Snooki Denies Fat-Shaming Jessica Simpson

Apr 30th, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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Snooki denies fat-shaming Jessica Simpson, during an interview with Us Weekly. Appearing to join in with the mommy weight-shaming and conjecture about Simpson’s pregnancy, Snooki made several comments about not eating ‘fattening’ foods and being ‘so skinny’ she hadn’t even bought any maternity clothing yet. But the Jersey Shore star denies malice behind the ‘I would die if I were [Jessica's] size,’ comment. The 24-year-old posted on Twitter: ‘I NEVER dissed Jessica Simpson you weirdo tabloids , get over it with your pregnant war articles. I love the girl and her hot ass bump.’ So… Snooki isn’t actually denying the whole interview, nor is she denying the fat-shaming. Just the intent behind it. She said it. I guess. She just didn’t mean to sound judgmental about it.

Snooki: ‘I’d Die If I Were Jessica Simpson’s Size’

Apr 29th, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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Snooki is still promoting the spin-off that’s really footage of her drying out (rehab would have been cheaper than a baby). The  24-year-old recently spoke to Us Weekly, and began mommy fat-shaming that will certainly anger GOOP: ’I'm so skinny that I can wear larges or extra larges. I only just bumped up to a medium. I’m five months and you can’t really see anything. It’s gonna pop up in like a week. I would die if I were [Jessica's] size. She’s like 45 months pregnant right now! [Jessica] said she indulged in everything that she wanted. I’m trying to eat healthy; fruits, lots of jelly and Italian ices. Nothing fattening at all.’

Photo of Snooki from March 21. Simpson hasn’t been seen in weeks. In related news, stars are wondering on Twitter when Simpson will deliver. Even though she’s not due until roughly May 1. Katy Perry tweeted: ’Has Jessica Simpson had that baby yet?! I’m getting anxious.’ Chelsea Handler tweeted soon after: ‘How has jessica simpson still not given birth to this baby? I’m getting frightened.’

Jessica Simpson On Twitter: I’m Still Pregnant!

Apr 23rd, 2012
by Amy Grindhouse.
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Threatening to aim her river of amnio at the people spreading the rumours, Jessica Simpson corrected her own fans on Twitter this weekend following repeated congratulations on the birth of her baby. I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been dragging this out because Simpson became pregnant before time was time and if you look closely you can see the birth depicted in the intro to The Big Bang Theory (and before that, the big bang intro to Dilbert). Insisting her child’s still in there somewhere, Simpson went on Twitter to say the nicest STFU I think I’ve ever read: ‘To everyone who keeps congratulating me on the birth of my baby girl…I’m still pregnant!! Don’t believe what you read ladies and gents.’

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