Jessica Biel covers Elle January 2013 with bangs even though it seems she might retired those in 2012. Inside the issue, the 30-year-old says that she totally understands marriage because Justin Timberlake inviting you to the wedding of Justin Timberlake during which you become Mrs Justin Timberlake whenever he remembers that you’re there means you always have someone with whom to go swimming. Included is her interview and photo shoot posing with fashion designers (Christian Louboutin, Jean Paul Gaultier, Azzedine Alaïa and Giambattista Valli who designed the pink wedding dress that covered People).
Posts under ‘Jessica Biel’
Jessica Biel appeared on Conan during which she told an anecdote about decapitating her Barbies as a kid and keeping the heads into adulthood because ‘no one reported that stuff back then.’ She tells the host, ‘[My Barbie dolls] didn’t really stick around very long. I ended up mutilating them by pulling their heads off, cutting off all their hair, dyeing them with markers, and sticking them on the Christmas tree lights. They’d light up like these demonic heads. My parents were very open! Back then I don’t think people reported that kind of stuff. Now I would definitely be in trouble. I still have the heads. They still go on [my Christmas tree] every year at home.’ And if that sounded familiar it’s because she told the same anecdote in W Magazine in April except she didn’t leave out the part about Barbie rape: ‘I [played with dolls], but it was always, ‘Let’s play sex with Barbies!’ My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic. My parents were so cool; they saw it as a form of self-expression.’
Here are photos from the Beverly Hills, California premiere for Hitchcock to which Jessica Biel wore this dress because how else will anyone know she’s even in this movie? Mostly facing forward and giving The Love Shelf a break, Biel’s dress that kind of looks like it has oversize vulva sewn under the armpits.
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For some reason burying the premiere on a weekend in between The 2012 American Music Awards and the opening weekend of Breaking Dawn: Part Two when everyone’s already pushing back their lights out time two hours to 9:30 p.m., here is Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson at the New York City premiere of Hitchcock for which they thought these outfits were a good idea. Photos below.
Justin Timberlake and Mrs Justin Timberlake, who was allowed to sit next to Justin Timberlake for Justin Timberlake’s wedding photos and listen as Justin Timberlake performed an original song by Justin Timberlake, have taken a break from idiotic wedding photos and making wooden babies together to help those less-fortunate. BOOM! Perhaps conflating victims of Sandy in New York with those less-fortunate of Los Angeles who were mocked in their wedding video, Original Recipe Timberlake and Mrs Timberlake (Feat. Justin Timberlake) have taken time as newlyweds to provide aid to those displaced by the storm. The couple made a surprise visit to the Far Rockaway area of Queens, New York on Saturday to pass out supplies. Along with producer/ rapper friend Timbaland, they pulled into a local parking lot with trucks full of supplies of which there are more photos below. They were helping people for nearly four-hours, giving out ‘backpacks full of food and everyday essential items to people who still don’t have electricity now almost two weeks after the devastating storm.’
People Magazine released their idiotic wedding issue, with Justin Timberlake’s heel at his wife’s eye-level, replete with anecdotes about how he pulled focus from the bride walking down the aisle too because everyone was busy crying at the song he wrote for the occasion. And aside from it looking like a reject NSYNC album on which Jessica Biel is an afterthought, everyone is talking about Britney Spears appearing on the cover a decade after they split. Which obviously isn’t an accident. But I just thought People were gifting us with an early Christmas handjob because that cover is like all my Christmases coming at once. Except, not so much, it’s more like spite. The photos of Justin Timberlake at Justin Timberlake’s wedding, featuring Justin Timberlake as wedding singer with fashions designed by Justin Timberlake, were few, grainy, and poorly-lit, which angered the magazine who paid $300,000 for the rights to be left with a paltry selection. So they chose the worst of the bad bunch for the cover and stuck the knife in by adding Spears. Hello! Magazine bought the rights in the UK and I guess they’re p**sed too although they left his ex-girlfriend off the cover.
Word around magazine circles is that PEOPLE was not happy with the quality of the pictures that JT sent over. Rumour has it the lighting was s**t, they had little to work with, and, considering what they paid, they were disappointed with what they were sent… which is typical Justin Timberlake, isn’t it? You will take what you get. You will be happy with what I give you. Because I’m Justin Timberlake. You should just be grateful I picked you. Well, perhaps not as grateful as he expected. Because PEOPLE (PEOPLE! of all people! can you imagine what an intolerable d**k he must be if PEOPLE decided to f**k him over in return?) made sure that he shared his special day with Britney. [via Lainey Gossip]
There have been so many wedding photos released in the past few days that they needed their own post rather than being crammed into the previous articles about the idiotic People Magazine cover that looked like a reject NSYNC album cover or the wedding video for which homeless people were paid $40 to be mocked by rich people. Here’s an alternative People Magazine cover, on which the bride is allowed to stand up and she’s allowed to be a somewhat active participant in the wedding that, it becomes more and more apparent with every anecdote, was about Justin Timberlake fellating Justin Timberlake while Jessica Biel watched. For example, he ‘helped’ design his Tom Ford suit. And he pulled focus from his bride walking down the aisle by making that moment about him too. He wrote and performed an original song during the ceremony that he’s bragging about because OF COURSE he is. Stroking his own ego, he says: ‘It was an original piece I wrote specifically for the evening and for her… I figured if there was something I was going to be able to offer, it would be to sing her down the aisle. Grown men were weeping. Hopefully it’s because I didn’t sound bad.’
In less-annoying news, Jessica Biel is changing her surname to Timberlake: ‘Yes, I’m changing my name. My professional name will still be the same, but for life, yes, I think it sounds great. I think I really won the jackpot of names.’
At the time People Magazine published Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel’s idiotic wedding cover on which he ‘cockbloked his own wedding photos’ by ensuring his heel was at his wife’s eye-level, I joked that the only reason he got married at all is because he couldn’t get away with marrying himself. But he would have if he could have. Only to find that every single person who looked at the cover made the same observation because Timberlake’s such an insufferable cretin it’s barely hyperbole to say he’d do anything to pull focus from his wife and wedding day because it’s a People cover and it’s got to be all about him. And as it turns out, Timberlake’s friends are just like he is. Or worse. Depending on how you interpret this story. On Tuesday, Lainey Gossip posted a blind item that’s already come true about friends of a celebrity whose gift to the couple was an 8.5 minute video mocking the homeless people of Los Angeles. Timberlake’s real estate friend Justin Huchel (of course Justin has a friend called Justin) made and played a video without warning him first. Featuring homeless, drug addicts, and other barely-lucid people who could barely feed and clothe themselves, saying they’re friends and they’re SO sorry that they can’t make it to the wedding. Because it’s hilarious that poor people can’t afford intercontinental travel to attend a $6.5 million wedding for which the couple were paid $300,000 just for smiling at the camera. Timberlake’s friends are just like Timberlake. A**holes.
Included below are scans of the couple’s wedding photos from the magazine.