Amber Portwood of MTV’s car crash Teen Mom has a giant tattoo of her daughter, Leah Shirley; appearing to take up the entire left side of Portwood’s torso, the tattoo shows her two-year-old daughter surrounded by deranged looking flowers (that are plotting their escapes). Portwood only recently got back her daughter, after the girl became a ward of the state. Being a better mother would have been the cheaper alternative to this poorly-drawn monstrosity no?
Joe Jonas almost took knives onto a flight out of Abu Dhabi. Jonas had knives, bought for cooking as the 21-year-old is something of an avid cook, preparing to board a flight from the Middle East to New York and didn’t get arrested nor reprimanded in any serious way from what I can find. Jonas and girlfriend Ashley Greene prepared to fly out of Abu Dhabi over the weekend, and Jonas absent-mindedly placed the implements in his bag for carry-on. ‘We were going from the Middle East to New York, so [there was] tons of security, tons of screenings,’ Greene, 23, recalled on Lopez Tonight Tuesday. ‘We got through one, surprisingly enough.’ No, not surprising. The security is too busy touching old men’s balls, strip-searching children in the open (there was video of that on BuzzFeed, but it’s since been pulled), and making breast cancer survivors remove prosthetic breasts. They’re not looking for pop stars/ actresses with knives. Balls, yes. Knives, no. The checking became more thorough at a second checkpoint and that’s when Greene realised Jonas packed the blades in the wrong bag. ‘Whoopsies,’ said Jonas. ‘Whoopsies doesn’t cut it,’ Greene laughed. ‘We were going to get arrested.’ After explaining the mix-up, security allowed Jonas to put his knife set under the plane. ‘It was embarrassing,’ Greene added. No one was strip-searched, nor held and aggressively questioned for hours. Sounds about right. Video of Greene discussing the incident, on Lopez Tonight, below.
Shakira used to have an ass, right? I’m pretty sure. She had something down there. It jiggled when she danced and stuck out more than that thing. Maybe she had a bunch of little throw cushions stuffed down the back of her pants. Yeah, those b**tard throw cushions are behind this. Oh, it might have something to do with her slimming down and losing her famous curves. I remember now; she suddenly decided amazing curves were overrated and started living on carrots and body glitter. She’s like, way thin now, yooguise. And assless. Photos below of Shakira dressed as some gold Christmas tree thing, all taken during the filming of a Freixenet Champagne Christmas commercial in Barcelona Nov. 24.
True story: I was actually going to call this post ‘So, Renee Zellweger Is Hung Like Khloe Kardashian’, until I remembered that children who libel don’t get presents from Santa Claus. Nor fattening holiday chocolates. So, Zellweger probably doesn’t have a penis down there. I don’t think all women have those (it has been brought to my attention that I missed a few vital high school bio. lessons, so don’t quote me on that). There was something down the front of the actress’ yoga pants, as she was spotted in Los Angeles, CA on November 16.
Perhaps it’s the place she keeps her water bottle, or her cell, or an emergency sandwich, or a spare pair of yoga pants (something fancier, for the evening). I’m out of guesses, though my money would be on ‘penis’ if I didn’t think it’d get my gift rights revoked. More in the gallery, if you dare, and if you want to see the most impressive camel toe since Kardashian’s required a re-naming of the same.
50 Cent has teamed up with a young boy, in the boy’s bedroom, to perform a track called Down On Me. Oddly, I’m pretty sure that I’m the only one who sees anything weird about this. The rapper, who recently posed on Twitter with $500,000 cash, can be seen in the video below. From about 1:21 in the 35-year-old, who has an alarming amount of time on his hands, climbs out of 15-year-old Keenan Cahill’s closet (don’t even get me started) and lip-syncs his rap in Jeremih’s song, Down On Me. One YouTube commenter noted ‘[Cahill] could’ve at least cleaned his room before having freaking 50 there, WTF?’ 50 Cent also lets the teenager wear his jewellery. For those who are wondering, apparently, ‘Cahill has Maroteaux-Lamy Syndrome, which stops growth at about the age of eight [and] there is no known cure for the rare genetic disorder.’
Hulk Hogan flashes @ 1:10 playing Def Jam Rapstar w/ his daughter & girlfriend.
In something I gather comprises at least part of a commercial for Def Jam Rapstar, which I’m NEVER buying, Hulk Hogan flashes his junk. His old, gristly man-junk. Got that nice visual stuck in your head now? Good. The video, which is censored with a comically over-sized black bar, shows Brooke Hogan, Hulk Hogan, and Hulk’s girlfriend who still looks altogether too much like his daughter. They’re playing in what I assume is a hotel room (I’m loathe to watch the whole thing and check). After 1:10, Hogan pulls a Brett Favre/ Kanye West and whips out his d**k and b**ls. More than once. With his daughter next to him.
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