Nicki Minaj is the multicolour cover girl for VIBE magazine’s June/ July 2010 issue (questions of “WHO?”, please see your asses to Wikipedia… I ain’t got time for that mess). Minaj is simultaneously providing a feast for the eyes/ears and confusing the crap out of me. She’s like Lil’ Kim’s oversexed niece, out on day release (don’t even look for an ankle monitor, yo… you ain’t gonna find one).
Minaj, real name Onika Maraj, plays a day glow, porno, lip-licking Alice in Wonderland. There was another picture from the shoot released back in May…
I’m only guessing… and I’m not adept enough at using image manipulation software to be able to tell. However, I’d hazard a guess that OK! magazine has foregone Photoshopping in favour of slapping their covers together in MS Paint.
Do you guys see this mess too? Is that Kendra Wilkinson picture not about a year old anyway, and then her face still got screwed around with; Kim Kardashian looks like her head has been cut out and stuck onto another image of her body (and don’t even get me started on the wonky boobs); and Audrina Patridge… oh dear.
I think I’ve gotten the gist of the Sex and the City 2 movie plot: it involves four women, who are probably still pre-menopause, being chased around the desert by overly-aggressive Photoshoppers. That’s the only reason I can fathom as to why every single promotional picture we’ve seen of the cast, so far, has looked like about 20 ‘shoppers took a great steaming you-know-what all over it. The latest failure comes in the form of this Entertainment Weekly cover. The cover for the latest EW issue shows all four women, which is a triumph for the three who get barely any coverage; My Little Pony in the City 2 has four main womennot one, when will I Love Sugar Lumps get that through her thick skull. Lumps is probably the worst hit on the cover, but they all look pretty off. What do you think?
It was possible that people thought this film starred only Sarah Jessica Parker. The last twoposters showed Parker and none of the other three stars of the movie. One could have guessed that was because Parker’s giant ego meant there was no room for three other people. That, and she spooks easily and could have started kicking the other cast members. The safest way for Kristin Davis, Kim Cattrall, and Cynthia Nixon, to be included in this poster, without anyone being kicked to death for the sugar cubes in their pockets, was to Photoshop them all in. So here they are, ‘Shopped to within an inch of their lives. It’s second only to the previous poster, in terms of cheap ass ‘Shop work. Sloppy.
Aside from being Photoshopped cross-eyed, so that she could look right into the depths of your soul, there is little to report on Sarah Jessica Parker in the new Sex and the City 2movie poster. Actually, wait. Hang on! This is my second SWEET TAP DANCING BABY JESUS moment of the day. What in the heck is going?
Sarah Jessica Parker is terrifying. Do you guys see this? Everything from the neck down is marvellous. Just marvellous. I mean that. However… from the neck up… we are treated to a zombie-eyed stare and glasses that can be used to look into other dimensions (seriously, just look through those thick-ass lenses).
I didn’t post the video at the time, but a second trailer was released for this last week. For the second trailer, to the May 27, 2010 release movie, check below.
Described as sexual napalm by douche-tastic John Mayer, Jessica Simpson covers the March 2010 issue of Allure. The singer discusses her body, her weight, and her ass-tastic relationship with Mayer. She neglects to use the words douche or ass so I had to shoehorn that in, on her behalf. Nowhere do I see any mention of why little miss sexual napalm needs so much Photoshopping. Surely, if she were that dynamite, she could have walked onto the Allure set wearing a turtleneck and a ski mask and still knocked that shoot out of the park. It seems not. The photos have been rubbed with bacon fat and lies. Heavy on the lies.
Her interview and the rest of her photo shoot can be found below.