Here’s Christina Aguilera at her 31st birthday party, the date of which somehow completely escaped me. Well, she turned 31-years-old December 18 and I just found Us Weekly’s photo of her birthday cake. The name on it’s wrong. It says ‘Xtina,’ when it should say ‘Albooki,’ or her government name of ‘Albino Snooki.’ But it’s her cake though. And it has boobs. We’re eating those first.
Today is July 26, making it 18-years to the day that our favourite repressed Hamburglar/ stripper was born. I haven’t been this excited since Miley Cyrus turned 18-years-old, and I realised that it changed nothing. Well, anyway, today is Taylor Momsen’s birthday so she’s 18-years-old. Which officially means that the next time her taped sidetidday flops out of her shirt, on purpose, as she flashes crowds and grinds with half-naked teenage girl fans, it’ll be all the less morally and legally-dubious. Who wants to bet she’ll pose fully-nude within 24-hours?
Kim Kardashian turned 30-years-old some months ago but the footage of the celebrations, for which she charged strangers thousands of dollars, are only now making it on air. In the below video snippet of Kourtney and Kim Take New York, we see Kardashian surrounded by people who enjoy staring at her so much they were willing to pay for the privilege (the rest of us, who made smart business decisions after Googling for financial advice, watched at home for free). From 1:20, after footage of Kardashian pretending she’s at a club to celebrate anything other than a paycheque, we see her doing a 30th birthday keg stand. She’s surrounded by the only people who got in for free, including her mother, Kris Jenner, who’s holding Kardashian’s legs in the air. The women scream ‘SUCK IT, SUCK IT, SUUUCK IIIT,’ as Kardashian struggles to swallow the beer and the foamy beery goodness comes spilling out of her mouth (I’m actually not kidding).
HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the weave of Britney Spears. I shall wish happy birthday to the parts of her that begin from the eyebrows down, but I’ll need payment upfront first. Today, Thursday December 2, 2010 is the 29th birthday of Britney Spears; a birthday she’s celebrating with a lawsuit against Star magazine and possibly RadarOnline, as both defamed her and her boyfriend. WHEE. I was being sarcastic there, for a moment, but I just realised… yeah… lawsuits, cake and silly hats. That’s pretty much the 24-hours before today. As we go into Thursday morning, there are pictures of Spears visiting her boyfriend, Jason Trawick, at his place of work. Proving nothing, except she can still hitch a ride and bite her nails at the same time. Her team exhausted every media outlet at their disposal; issuing denials of the abuse to TMZ, then posting the same on Spears’ site, then posting denials from her manager and Larry Rudolph on her Facebook and Twitter (noting that RadarOnline is trying to backpedal, by explaining ‘Why She Didn’t File Police Report When Boyfriend Beat Her Up’. Hmm, I have nothing to add. Except I misspelled Spears’ name on the cake I bought, and so am destroying the evidence by binge-eating it all. Below are 50 of the year’s best Spears photos.
Miley Cyrus is 18. I gather people are excited about that fact. I’m not. Maybe it’s because I’m a girl and have no interest in legally now being able to post pictures of her full-on ‘accidental’ crotch shots/ nip slips and the like (we all know those are coming, as is inevitable topless shot in Maxim/ Rolling Stone or similar). We’ve seen it all before, worryingly. I guess it’s more that she can now legally act like a little ‘ho, and leak sext pictures like it’s 1999. Whatever. Cyrus celebrated, a few days early, by letting some dude’s penis wish her vagina a happy 18th birthday. I wish I were kidding, but I’m really not. The teenager, who is 18-years-old today, November 23, had a birthday party attended by some dude rumoured to be her boyfriend, Avan Jogia, 18. At her Sunday birthday party at Trousdale nightclub, she and teen star Jogia were hold up necking and grinding in the corner. So, she’s still exactly as whorish as before she became legal. Funsies.
Kim Kardashian’s orange peel turns 30-years-old today. Most of the chemicals/ fillers or whatever in her face aren’t that old, so I’m not going to wish her face a Happy Birthday. It’s not well-earned. I’ll wish those well when they actually turn 30. When she’s nearer 60, I guess. The reality star, for those who’ll recall, invites those of you who can afford it to attend her 30th birthday event in NYC. That’s assuming you have $1K to $2.5K burning a hole in your pocket with which you’re not planning on wiping your behind. Readers of this site, thankfully, seemed to have too much self-esteem to want to attend her party. So I guess my mother, the roaches on the walls, my cousin, and my cats, won’t be going.
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