A few days ago, E! Online claimed to have receipts confirming that a husband, Jay-Z, left a baby in his own wife, Beyonce, about which the latter obviously flipped the f**k out because isn’t that just about the s**ttiest thing a website has ever said about a celebrity. Except, oh, no, it’s not. So fans took it to heart when Beyonce went on Instagram and called them ‘lowlifes’ for congratulating her prematurely. And now Beyonce is responding to what she considers too much baby news with more baby news because she’s posting photos of The Notorious Blue Ivy Carter plotting world domination from her little throne. Yeah, sure, Beyonce, that’s a great way to get people to stop talking about your uterus.
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Last week, E! News confirmed through ‘multiple sources’ at FedEx that Beyonce’s new pillow was in the mail. The sources had no receipts… only their word. But Jay-Z says those words are lies because no one at the Illuminati headquarters even uses FedEx (after that time they left a package in the rain). Asked about E! News’ report, the rapper told a friend at Hot 97 who sent a congratulatory email to the family without bothering to get his facts straight first, ‘It’s not true.’ Jay-Z added this parting shot, ‘The news is worse than blogs.’
Last week, the kinds of sources who dare go through Blue Ivy’s trash told E! News Beyonce’s new pillow is in the mail so she’s going to start ‘showing’ in 6-8 weeks time. Beyonce’s reps leaked rebuttals to Us Weekly and PEOPLE although clearly Russell Simmons has subscriptions to neither because he went on Twitter to congratulate the family. Getting himself kicked out of the Illuminati family Christmas forever, he wrote: ‘Congratulations Jay-Z & Beyonce.’ Beyonce’s response was to suck in her stomach for an hour during her Milan show. She also tweeted and deleted this on Instagram: ‘I can’t stop the rumors from starting, and I can’t really change peoples minds who believe them, all I can do is sit back and laugh at these low life people who have nothing better to do than talk about me.’
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Yesterday, I mentioned that it’s not actually news if a husband leaves a baby inside his own wife… except for when that wife starts obfuscating about her health and phoning in sick. I assumed that Beyonce was stalling for time until her new pillow arrived in the mail, except TMZ.com has photos of Beyonce at her rescheduled concert on Wednesday and there’s no obvious bump. In any case, Beyonce had a glass of water, took a nap, and went back to work yesterday after basically writing herself the sick note that she put on Facebook.
A few days ago, I ignored a story that had no legs about a husband, Jay-Z, leaving a baby in his own wife, Beyonce. I was content to ignore it because I don’t really care and because she denied it a few hours later. However, shenanigans are the elixir that give me LIFE. So of course I’m all over it when she’s denying that she’s pregnant because her new pillow hasn’t arrived in the mail yet. You’re going to want to retrieve your tin foil hat, grease and all, from the oven, because we’re really doing this again. Page Six says there’s a baby in there. Beyonce says try again in 6-8 weeks. And now she’s rescheduled a concert in Belgium ‘because of dehydration and exhaustion’ which is spiking a lot of people’s BS-Meters because it’s a lot of celebrities’ go-to BS excuse for getting out of stuff. The singer’s rep says Beyoncé has been advised to rest. Adding, ‘she is awaiting word from her doctors before making a decision.’
The Notorious B.I.C. graced France with her presence while also gracing her own parents with her presence because they were allowed to come along so long as they paid for everything. More photos of The B.I.C. running a whole country from inside a restaurant all with a look on her face that says she does not have time for this.