It’s 2013 which means we have a whole new year to drink until it stops hurting. And this year WILL hurt with Kanye West trying his hardest to overshadow the royal baby thing(s) with the demon spawn he accidentally left inside Kim Kardashian during the same Italian birthday vacation intended to get him to propose. And because I know how to start the year off right, here’s Audrina Patridge’s sinewy, oiled rack for her 2013 calendar wishing you Happy New Year!
As Lindsay Lohan prepares for her own, personal Crackmas with new lips and a crumb-free weave, Audrina Patridge prepares for Wonkmas (I’ll be celebrating Sleepmas, word). Here are Patridge’s delayed pupils, which are two-days behind the rest of her, dressed as Mrs Claus for the wonkiest Wonkmas you ever did see. She broke out her curling iron and Claire’s finest red lip stain for the occasion as she promoted BONGO. A brand named for the Wonkmas puns only.
Audrina Patridge is denying getting breast implants or plastic surgery on her face. Moreover, she claims her breasts look like bolt-ons because of a chest deformity and weight fluctuations. Patridge told The Daily of plastic surgery rumours, ‘They always ask me about that because of Heidi [Montag] and there’s all these rumors and they all say I’ve had, like, six procedures, and I’m, like, ‘Where do you get that?’ Look at the pictures. I fluctuate in weight a lot. And as far as my face, I’d never had anything done.’ Her weight hasn’t fluctuated the whole time I’ve had this site. But her boobs have become bigger. Asked about her chest size, Patridge replied, ‘I don’t like to talk about that. Well, see I have this chest problem. My bone right here, it’s higher on this side? It’s pectoralis something. I’ve always struggled with that. You could see they look different sizes all the time.’
Audrina Patridge is barely the main attraction on her own titular reality show and yet she wants to be part of The Hills movie. Oh, yeah, this is a thing and this may be happening. The show stopped production in 2010 and every one of the less-likeable stars confirmed what you already knew, the show was 100% staged, scripted, choreographed, conjured; smoke and mirrors. The cast attended jobs at companies for whom they didn’t work. They staged fights, they staged whole relationships. They, according to Spencer Pratt, did have a literal script. It, according to Kristin Cavallari, was all fake (she was later urged to change her tune on that statement). Idk, perhaps working a fake job lends itself better to the big screen. Patridge tells Ryan Seacrest’s radio show that producers offered a movie but the cast were too overwhelmed to do it. They’ve all had breaks and now would be the time. ‘[Hills creator] Adam DiVello did talk about wanting to do a Hills movie, but we were kind of all just so fed up with each other that we all needed a little break,’ Patridge, 26, said on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show. ‘We’ve all had our break, so maybe we’ll all come back together and do a movie. You never know.’ Gleefully, there’s resistance with Lauren Conrad, Pratt and Heidi Montag tired of portraying their reality show characters. ‘We were all getting paid to be people we weren’t for so long that you stop, there’s no line,’ Pratt told The Daily Beast. ‘The gauge is gone. The gray area is gone. We got so deep with how many story lines we had to do to continue the machine… I thought when this was all over, I could [do] an interview and say, ‘It was entertainment,’ I thought I was the Wizard of Oz, like, [look] I’m the guy behind the curtain.’
Here’s Audrina Patridge in FHM UK August 2011. For the sake of my own amusement, I watched some of her titular reality show. I skipped parts of each episode out of boredom and I’m not sure that I watched every episode. It was poorly-staged, scripted and acted and the family drama was tame and rather puerile. Oh, and her mother’s portrayed as drunk even when sober. Nice. Well, she’s giving an interview with FHM UK and she’s trying to be interesting. Failing that, she talks about being sexy. Failing that too, she talks about her love of old-timey murders. For good measure, there is a bonus picture below of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley covering the Australian edition of FHM in a covered-nude.
For the July 2011 cover of Shape, Audrina Patridge’s tamed dirty pillows fill out a blue bikini. She looks cute on the cover; less leathery and hard-faced than in recent vacation photos. Explaining why she’s always in a bikini, Patridge says she’s always been around the water. ‘I practically grew up in the water,’ she told the magazine. ‘I don’t even think twice about wearing a swimsuit because it’s always been a part of my lifestyle; but I have girlfriends who are so afraid to show off their bodies, [who] won’t take off their towels at the beach or pool.’
The title ‘Audrina Patridge’s Bongos For Bongo (I Hate Myself)’ was already taken, so I had to leave out my usual introductory titty jokes. That made me sad. As did the pictures themselves. There’s always room for titty jokes and euphemisms and now I don’t get to make jokes about funbags/ bongos because some funny a$$hole beat me to it. I guess that’s what I get for daring to nap. F**K YOU, NAP TIME. F**K YOU. Where was I? Oh, yes. Navigating around jokes about Audrina Patridge’s clavicle, let’s address the Photoshop in these pictures.
I’m not seeing things; nor am I the only person to notice. Jezebel.com makes a point in their post, ‘Audrina Photoshopped To Look Less Bony.’ Pretty much nailed it, right there. Bongo defined her abs and took away some of the sinewy/ ropey goodness that makes Patridge… Patridge. Oh, I don’t know what ‘Bongo’ is. But I glean, from not Googling it, that it has something to do with breasts.
Video of Audrina Patridge’s mother Lynn in a drunken rant after dinner at Beso.
Audrina Patridge’s drunken mother is sorry. Specifically, with a lot to be sorry for, she apologises for getting wasted at Tuesday dinner with her daughter, in LA. During which time she was interviewed by Hollywood.TV. Speaking to the video agency, she dropped drunken F-bomb after drunken F-bomb. As seen in the NSFW video above. Hollywood.TV went pretty easy on her, considering how easy it would have been to take advantage and get more juicy gossip from her. A friend tried to step in and stop the madness… but to no avail. Mother Patridge, Lynn, spoke about her daughter’s star power and then cursed out Lauren Conrad.
She later said sorry. ‘I am sincerely sorry for the negative things I said in the heat of the moment. As a mother there is no pain in this world like seeing your children upset. I’m so proud of my daughter and all she accomplished on Dancing with the Stars. I was extremely emotional after her elimination, it just came as such a shock. I want to apologize for offending anyone,’ said her statement.
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